You come from Africa. Now you are an American.

Are you an African-American?

Yes, but only if your skin is dark enough!

What’s worse, if your skin happens to be not-so-dark and you put yourself in the new category of ‘white African-American’ as nothing else seems to fit, dark-skinned people who are less African than you are but who call themselves African-Americans can claim to be offended.

And get you into big trouble.

Look, this one is easy.

There is a simple test for African-Americanness.

Put a pencil in someone’s hair.

If the hair is curly enough to hold it, that person is an African-American.

If not, sue the hell out of someone impertinently and insultingly claiming that noble status.

Hey, that pencil test thing is cool. Where did you get the idea?