As a former diplomat turned wannabe speechwriter I have studied closely the latest Conference speech by Labour Party leader Ed Miliband. How to assess it from a technical point of view? And what does it tell us about a possible future Prime Minister’s approach to the great foreign policy issues of the day as they affect our nation?

Let’s look at the numbers.

According to the full version of the speech I have seen, it contained a mighty 7390 words. The speech was, of course, an attempt to commandeer from the Conservatives the Disraeli notion of One Nation politics. A bold move you might think, given the evermore fervid anti-Semitism insinuating itself into British Leftist political thought.

It therefore is no surprise to see that the phrase “one nation” appears in the speech an impressive 46 times. This goes far beyond trite speechwriting homiologia as a way of getting a key point across, and enters the realms of advanced psittacosis.

The word “dinosaurs” appears four times. Not, alas, in describing the more Jurassic features of the British labour movement.

The word “Nazis” appears twice. The word “Communists” not at all.

The word “Europe” appears once in describing the UK as Mr Miliband sees us: “a country which engages with Europe and the rest of the world” is. A strangely drafted but revealingly Eurosceptic sentence that defines the UK as something separate from Europe.

The expression “European Union” and “Eurozone” do not appear a single time, even though the constitutional and financial convulsions elsewhere in Europe would appear to be more important for our country’s future even than Mr Miliband’s ambitious but patronising plans for a new Technical Baccalaureate for the supposedly “forgotten 50% who do not go to university”.

There is likewise no mention of the word “referendum” in either the European or Scottish context, although the speech does give a commendably clear position in favour of Scotland remaining within the United Kingdom.

By now you won’t be surprised to hear that such tiresome and faraway expressions as “Al Qaeda”, “Middle East”, “Iran”, “Syria”, “possible nuclear war between North and South Korea”, “US Presidential elections”, “terrorism” and “China” are inconspicuous by their absence. For all anyone listening to the speech would know, the UK is a planet on its own, floating along in a secluded part of the solar system and generally in fine shape, apart from all the horrid bankers and greedy business people who are spoiling our otherwise beautiful collective One Nation instincts.

Nevertheless, we now hear the storming applause of those who think that this sort of speech is a stupendous rhetorical, political and even moral triumph. People like Polly (sic) Toynbee for whom the psittacosic aspects of this speech were not a bug but its main feature:

… Ed Miliband wiped the smile off Conservative faces. With breathtaking bravura he held the hall rapt. No autocue, at ease, personal and passionate … One Nation Labour is a stroke of genius, one short phrase finally burying the shifty uncertainty about how to escape the difficult legacies of both Blair and Brown.

Those of us with longer memories of Labour’s shifty uncertainty as described in the Guardian recall Polly’s clamour for Gordon Brown to replace Tony Blair, and her gushing words when it finally happened:

There was something stunned about Gordon Brown’s expression as he stood on the threshold of No 10. He looked genuinely awestruck, as if the hugeness of the weight that had just fallen on his shoulders had taken him by surprise.

That one did not work out so well — why does she think that Ed Miliband is really going to be any better?

Conclusion? There are in fact “Two Nations” in our country.

Those on the Left who put their hands around this lukewarm small bowl of gruel and pretend it is a hearty meal.

And the rest of us who, despite all experience and disappointment, still hope that people aspiring to national leadership can be expected to say something intelligent and important about what the UK can do to influence events in the world – and what events in the world are scheming to do to influence us.